I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
I just took a girl with a hip brace and crutches on a date. she obviously can't bone. is it rude to demand a blowjob?
A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.
you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Bryan's allergic to that cheap detergent, so he's been naked for three days. But we're all used to it now, so the party is still on.
well they never fully had sex so she's like an eskimo step-sister. I'll make a family tree for you.
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My glasses were in the garbage this morning
He literally said, while inside me, "I would smack your ass but I don't want to wake my mom up". Amazing.
How drunk are you?
Completed.
I knew it was all downhill from there when the straight vodka I was drinking tasted like water.
Found out that I went to the same elementary school as the guy I'm hooking up with. Kosher or no
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