She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I can't believe I wasted a google wave invite on her.
I swear to god he's a one man village people.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Fuck you, dude, I'm not sharing my weed anymore if you're going for the Panthers.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
I'm writing to thank you for your never ending commitment to my orgasms and also to apologize if any physical harm was done due to your impressive efforts. Hopefully the sex and post sex pizza made up for it.
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
Randomize
