That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"
On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.
Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.
Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
Until he has ordered mozzarella sticks & beers at 2pm while wearing formal attire, then this is still my bar.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
Do you think I can get away with quoting Work Bitch by Britney Spears in my speech?
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
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