the vacuum is drunk
what?
i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk
your life is more of a joke than dina lohan.
if you\'re going to compare me please pick the classy one. Michael Lohan.
Changed my sheets. Found a can of rockstar, crushed bag of tostitos, used tissues, and enough of both of our clothes to make a whole outfit.
Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Fun holiday story for you: Alex and I went out drinking. She left. I needed a ride home. Met this dude and told him to drive my car back. Once at my house, I made him take out my dog and then apologized for not wanting to make out with him. I said, let me go see if my roommate is interested and then I slept in Alex's bed all night.
20 bucks says he was an actual leprechaun
i've written a new chapter in the saga of unexpected dongs
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
you never un-have a 4some
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I smell like cotton candy and guilt.
I left the party 20 min ago..just thought i would tell you so you wouldnt think i fell in the lake again
Randomize
