Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
Is it wrong to want to cut a hole in the Tigger suit so I can molest you while I wear it?
There's a fat drunk walrus bitch here next to me and shes already puked and now falling on herself
OH FUCK NOW HER BOYFRIEND IS MAKING OUT WITH HER VOMIT HOLE
Sounds like a good blink 182 concert...
is asking a girl out on a date while in another girls bed in poor taste?
The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
Turns out that my surprise "happy birthday" drop-in for my dad turned into a "my parents like afternoon sex a lot" realization.
you know you have a brother who cares when he hands you a piece of pizza before you pass out from too many bong hits
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
Van sex tonight? No need to tell me how classy that sounded.
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
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