So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
This is like the time you took a picture of your knees and told him it was your tits, isn't it?
we found you in the kitchen at five am trying to make a vodka omelette. you said you didn't want to live in a world where your two favourite things couldn't be together.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
it's just weird to think of you as a teacher since ive seen you throw up raspberry bacardi in my parents house
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
Randomize
