Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
I always forget that visiting my hometown is like a who's who of ugly people.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?
Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.
I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
She is currently drunk and caressing my professor's face with one hand.
I'm worried because he hasn't removed it.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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