Call meee
Ok, but just to warn you, I'm as drunk as a Kennedy right now...
Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I only gave you my number because I thought fat people were jolly
In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up�
Just had an hour long talk with a woman, turns out she's the mom of the guy i lost my virginity to. Even better his dog was also present.. Meeting the family at its best?
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
You full on peed your pants then resurrected yourself like Jesus Christ...
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
