why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
These guys are walking up and down the hallway yelling, "Yo, is this the floor with the unisex bathroom?"
I take back everything I said about communal showers
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
There comes a point, as I lay on the floor of the work disabled toilets contemplating catching 10 minutes sleep between chunders, that I wonder if its really worth it
Though I do have to question why i found you and my brother passed out on his bedroom floor, no clothing between you except his tie wrapped around your dick
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
His mom said he was in the ER and asked for prayers and positive thoughts. Apparently, me wishing the clap on him is not what she had in mind.
I am googling "notable people who had syphilis"
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
I’m never getting home or fucked or eating hot Taco Bell fml
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