Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
Woke up this morning 8 levels higher in Call of Duty then when I started drinking... told you I was better when I was drunk.
Apparently, I woke up in the middle of the night, got up out of bed, dropped trou in the corner, squatted, and pissed on the carpet. When Eric heard, he thought it was the dog and started yelling, and I responded by saying "No no, its okay. It's me."
We walked in and found his glass coffee table broken and you in the bathroom throwing up saying "What a bad first impression."
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we
So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.
Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.
He came when he saw that my nipples were pieced
I just realized that the first thing he ever bought me was Plan B.
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
I said he looked like a lumberjack and that's when he came. I guess he liked the beard compliment?
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
