I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.
I just saw a girl licking a cheeseburger wrapper. dont ever let me get that fat
The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"
he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"
Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY
this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?
He put himself in the friend zone by calling me dude all night so I blew his friend. Judge me.
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
I poured somre cereal, realized the chocolate to flake ratio was off, tried to fix it by digging through the box, gave up because of the difficulty level, and poured it back in the box. Being high is the best diet.
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
i just got hit by a door and im the one that said im sorry, yeah im drunk.
Randomize
