She just asked to stimulate my prostate, man law requires you come pick me up
she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
I seriously had to check my phone this morning to make sure I didn't agree to any strange sexual favors.
I'm not judging you. Just know that you could be Queen of The World. Instead you're 5:28 p.m ponging. I hope you're at least winning
SORRY BITCH CAN'T, TAKING SHOTS TO WHITNEY HOUSTON.
That feeling when you're ready to convert to the religion of whatever god will stop the vomit. Dynamite is illegal.
I'm jealous that you can use my boobs as pillows & I can't.
Sext: Bring me pancakes from the midnight breakfast gathering please
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
As a rule...I don't sleep with my friends or watch movies with talking dogs
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
Randomize
