24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.
hooked up with the gay kid & his friend's mom told me "you know he has a identical twin brother whose straight, right?"
My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.
Maybe before the beach I should get a tracking chip in my arm.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Decided I'm going to wear a shirt that says "I'm sorry" whenever we go back to that fraternity
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
all night she kept rolling over and mumbling something about wanting an extendable retractable urethra.
Firstly: alligator costume is happening anyway. But I'll see what I can do about the balls.
Fuck this. I'm adopting 12 cats and naming them after the 12 disciples. Maybe Jesus will have sympathy for me then.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
Randomize
