Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
You know whats sad? As I walk past the campus daycare i cant help think, look at those drunk mistakes
The crowning achievement of my weekend was hooking up with someone I'm at least facebook friends with.
last night we were having sex and i didn't care if i got off. i was just holding up my hand behind his head so i could look at my new ring. i think he knew.
No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.
He just sent me a winky face in the middle of setting up a drug deal. You don't do that.
I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout
If you wanna be a real wingman, create some insecurity and comment on that pic of all the hot girls with "Id do every girl in this pic.. except the fat one".
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Ughhh I can't remember the last time "time fell back or springed forward" and I wasn't at the bar to argue about it :(
NO TEQUILA
Why do I always think it's a good idea? Like a challenge? Shit maybe I should CHALLEGE myself to get laid for once instead
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
He literally shouted this Viking war cry when he cam. Then as we laid there he sang me the most beautiful rendition of " When Irish Eyes are Smiling". I've never been more confused.
Randomize
