Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.
On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
How much do you charge for your Funyun and beer delivery service?
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
Her ex wouldn't stop texting her so she started replying with various pictures of Britney spears's breakdown
Will you bring a case of beer down to the hot tub? Me and Phil don't want to feel feelings anymore
Captain Morgan does not know self control. Nor does he teach it.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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