Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating
I'm drinking rum and coke straight from the 2 liter bottle.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
You're not horrible. Thank you for my pandas.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I started carrying sissors in my purse to open plan B with. Both ashamed and proud.
Randomize
