Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I wish they made sweatshirts for legs
you mean pants?
Highlight of my evening, pile of books falling onto me in front of people
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
you reached into a lemon drop to pull out a lemon of someone else's drink..
Also, horsecock action starts in about a month. Have you prepared yourself yet?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
I have the relationship skills of Miley Cyrus and I could've said this was a bad idea
i've now hooked up with two guys who have tattoos of their sister's names...so that's a reality i have to live with...
First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on
Hey.... can you explain to me why when I woke up this morning my cell phone background had been changed to me getting a piggy back ride from a drag queen?
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
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