i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.
I'm going to see if it catches on fire again, then I'll make the decision.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
Are we talking about who knows if I'll get naked pictures of you with a broadsword or who knows if I'll be surprised?
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
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