idk, it's all black and i hear low talking...
dude, i think you're in initiation!
shit. that's not good.
My mouth tastes like defeat. Did he at least have money?
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
I woke up with semen in my invisalign. My molars were just marinating in it
We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza
The floor and the wall just switched. I'm falling.
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
You were drunk it couldn't have been that bad
I've never been drunk enough to enjoy getting a blister on my dick.
Just went to my first strip club and they had Fox News on. Conservative booty time.
I was doing karaoke to "baby got back" and apologizing for being white at the same time.
My crotch smells like fire and I can't find my pants
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
Randomize
