Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Great night. I'm in the middle of explaining to her how the stock market works and she just rips my pants off and starts blowing me. Nerdiest blowjob ever.
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
He's on the porch naked. Help.
Randomize
