Do you realize that Last night you pissed in my closet and then walked to the bathroom to wash your hands?
I found a girl on our couch wearing lederhosen this mornig... I dont know if i should be impressed or ashamed
grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.
He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
we came into the house to find you doing shots by your self and when we told you to stop you locked yourself in the bathroom...
did I at least say anything...
you meowed at us and said you're a cat and cats drink for a living
Twist bend and done? Jesus that sounds like a seventh grade hand job.
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
Is it weird to invite your FWB to thanksgiving dinner??
What do I have to do?! Spell it out for him? Why can't he just plow me and pull my hair at the same time
You are my new hero
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
Randomize
