I accidentally had phone sex last night
12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests
so he came in me this morning and i was like WTF DUDE. i called him Daddy until he agreed to pay the full $40 for plan B. He wants to name our Patrick because it will be a st pattys day baby. absolutely NOT.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
How much booze could a drunk brad chug when a drunk brad does chug booze?!?
All. The answer is always all
Have I showed you the picture of my vagina with a little bang flag coming out of it?
I refuse to believe you if you're trying to tell me humanity as a whole isn't sad, tired, and craving Chinese food.
He tried to grab your ass, but he grabbed my hand cause I grabbed your ass first. I saved your ass..literally. Your welcome.
Randomize
