she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
I just googled maps his house, and took the virtual tour back to my apartment, just so I could visualize the walk of shame in the morning
just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.
tequila makes me forget i have legs
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.
we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...
It's not Christmas until you get a photo from an ex wearing a Santa hat and red boxers... And then you just respond with, "nope."
well you did quote socrates while playing beer pong and then proceeded to fall down
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
Randomize
