My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day
Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
When you are old and getting humped by saggy balls every other weekend you are gonna wish you had more sex with freshly legal boys. Your vagina will thank you one day. Don't let her down.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Had to clear my browser history. I figured if she used the search bar and her name came up, it might be a little creepy.
Randomize
