I just ran from Santa Claus in Kroger
Everyone is in jail. I'll see what i can do though
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
I'm going to pre plan my black out tonight. I think I'll set a change of clothes out on my bed and unplug the oven.
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.
My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I really don't know how I went from having a few drinks to waging war against ghosts in my apartment but here we are
If we try hard enough and believe in ourselves, we can still make it to Wendy's before they close
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
Randomize
