My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
Me too. We could do it like prostitutes. No kissing on the mouth.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
Who wakes up at 9 and says "let me send a pic of my dick to my ex gf"
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
Randomize
