My farts woke her up so I pretended to be keep sleeping.
Her mom drove me home after I blew a .13 So there I am wishing her mom a happy mother's day sitting in the passenger seat where I just banged her daughter 15 min prior
Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.
theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
Put some vodka in it
Its 7am
put some vodka in it
Heard you were the one that shit off Jamie's balcony. FYI there is a cabbie down here out for blood
Apparently I was having great conversation with this 48 year old on grindr & he was concerned as to how I was getting home.
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
Why is everyone judging me for telling the cat a bedtime story?
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
Randomize
