hell yes lets make some ravioli
Did we have sex?
No you put the condom on then passed out on the bed so I left
no i did not stop my best friend from eating out my sister...bros before hoes
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Next Halloween I want us to dress up as jockeys, get drunk, and ride a carousel all night until we throw up or declare a winner
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
Whoever put the life size cut out of Snoop Dog next to me in bed understands me.
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
bonging vodka is the same level of "good idea" as eating machetes
I woke up next to him with nothing on and my thong around his neck. I just put my clothes on and left, but he still has my thong.
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