i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just saw an ad for "Liver-aid" how has this not become a life changing drug for millions?
I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'
I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention
Needs to be more caveman. "Me kill roommate. You watch. Then sex time with our genitals."
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just a typical Friday. Dinner, drinks, doing lines with a member of Congress
He’s exactly what I’m looking for: he’s got a broken heart, a working penis and a new boat!!!
Randomize
