Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
If they ask for a stool sample we r no longer friends.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
We shouldn"t be alone together
you didn"t say that yesterday
you weren't married yesterday
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
Dude. why do I feel like I am cheating on you every time I do shrooms?
just realized I'll be in a check out line with just Hershey syrup and condoms. I don't know if I am setting a good image for our generation
Randomize
