did the walk of shame from ex-boyfriend's room only to find other ex-boyfriend sitting in the living room. some people shouldn't be allowed to be friends.
some people shouldn't be allowed to be desperate.
She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
She refers to my dick as princess Sarah... oddly I'm okay with that.
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I doubt she'll sponsor it. You know alcohol and fireworks don't mix, right?
It's okay. We're not going to soak the fireworks in alcohol. The alcohol is for drinking.
Idk she didn't seem that weird to me but I had just eaten an entire tray of jello infused with liquor so I could be wrong...
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We do have a rich storied history of emotional warfare
I have sent texts to the pizza delivery guy telling him he was beautiful. Oh and you almost got a ticket for pissing in public. And I smell like cheese.
Did you just affectionately call me a scrotum?
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