hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
i got pulled over in my 'cops love me' tshirt. he didn't think it was funny when i pointed it out.
He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
I action rolled over a firepit. Twice. I am the action roll king
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
Randomize
