peeing in bathroom at penn station and the homeless man next to me is combing his beard with a fork...god I love new york
So the last day on the vacation I woke up in the bath tub. My mom said she asked me during the night what I was doing and I said, "swimming."
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I've done 29 out of the 30 things to do to a naked man according to Cosmo. I don't know if that makes me innovative or slutty.
Genius.
I totes stole your whore crown.
With great power comes great responsibility.
If there is ever a next time, care about me enough to lube it up no matter what my drunk ass says
I went for the touchdown every play, and I think I ended up with herpes.
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
In the middle of having sex she stopped, said "guess what, it's clitoris awareness week" and then continued fucking me
Her mom is a nurse who got called in to declare someone dead. Just got wing manned by a corpse.
This morning I woke up in the entrance of a retirement home. Memory fragments from last night: making it rain with the contents of my wallet over the bridge, getting hit by a car, and a lot of running.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
He had a vasectomy. I think I'm in love.
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
