Well, I fucked her. But the sex wasn't all that great. Morning sex never is
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
We need to talk about our relationship.
I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
I'm always drunk lately
Now I'm in a game of hide and seek in Sears
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
my sex drive just dried up, fell out, and is rolling on the floor somewhere.
So my furniture is upside-down, two lamps are glued to the ceiling, and there is a kitten sleeping on Kyle's face. Please tell me what happened last night....
Randomize
