I just had to explain to my father, how having two screens plugged into my computer doesn't use more internet.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...
I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
A particularly funny moment you may have missed; you walked in to the basement to announce that whoever was cooking sausages had left them on the grill for Hella long, only to be told that you were in fact the person grilling. At which point you just said, "the sausages are done" and walked out
With 4 extra seconds dedicated to the dong.
These kind of text worry me.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
he made me cum so hard i had an asthma attack
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
i'm bringing homemade birthday cake and homegrown weed. how awesome is this text?
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