one word: firstdatebathroomanal
This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.
I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.
my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.
The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it
Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
I have a hunch Mama J got around.
Am I allowed to say that about my own mom?
Don't send me nudes asking me to come fuck you on lunch break then send me a video of kids you're babysitting.
Have you ever tried to have sex with a fairy? My penis is literally bigger than her.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I came home with 30lbs of BBQ last night. I can't pick up women in a bar but I sure can pick up leftovers from a corporate party.
Emily saved me from being trapped on my roof and then I beat her in a race at 5am it was a low key night
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
