the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Am i fat?
Well i wouldnt let you on top
Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles
Omg. I wanna lecture the drug dealer about how highschool should not be his glory days.
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Plus it's a good way to scope out guys. Have them fight for you, like real males do in nature.
My dad sent me a 10 ft beer bong and my mom sent me ideas for future careers. I'll let you guess who my favorite parent is. Also, come over tonight. and bring beers.
I told him that if he cleaned the bathroom, I'd blow him. You could eat off the toilet. Seriously, get over here. This is the cleanest you'll ever see it.
He went down on me to the national anthem being sung by Jordan sparks. It was very patriotic of him
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
I would offer you moral support, but I have questionable morals..
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
My husband is waiting until son is napping and air humps as a seduction tactic. Pray for me.
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