get your tongue out of his mouth and answer your phone. if your not doing more than making out i'm gonna be so pissed. i'm about to sleep in your car bitch
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
He just helps fat girls get exercise. One walk of shame at a time.
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
Hahaha perfect. Let's start stopping drinking tomorrow
I woke up in the basement of a pizza restaurant... I would say the tequila hit me pretty hard.
He told us a story about a time his 80 year old uncle karate chopped a dick in a glory hole.
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
How did I get up here...did jesus lift me up
What the hell was that?
Genius. It was sheer genius.
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