i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
your address is 607B right?
yeah why?
i need to tell the guy bringing over the flaming bag of dog shit where to put it
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
Why must everything this weekend have to do with something going into or coming out of my vagina?
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
You seemed underwhelmed by my smooth, smooth ass
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
Whatever douche. I sucked the dick that made you. I. Win.
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