I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?
Some kids in a school bus just saw me jacking off in my car. This is how 89% of children find out about sex.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Leaving my wallet at work and not going out to drink tonight...SIGN FROM THE UNIVERSE.
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
He's so in love with you that you could fuck a blood relative and he'd be like "I just want you to be happy"
He fucked me over, so I'm going to do what any rational woman does. I'm going to get really high and have sex with his brother.
You showed me your butthole that's like a mating call in other species
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
