Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
Not much. Some creepy guy on Grindr thinks he knows who I am and where I live. So I sent him to that place with jockstraps and bacon. Hope he has fun.
I keep thinking your bag of thongs is a bag of chips. So mad I can't eat them.
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
Yep that's the face of someone whose dick I would put in my mouth without hesitation
Update: pile o Coke party starting at approx 4 - 7 and going until 1ish to celebrate our founding fathers and love of cocaine and hatred of everyone\n
Randomize
