Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.
I need to stop coming to work sober
I want you more than these girls want KFC
For a whole 2 minutes you were convinced you were talking to my voicemail
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
I ended up with a bullet proof vest and I still don't know his last name.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
It mathmatically balances. Less pants + more shirt = fully clothed. see? Not a whore!
I don't know what's worse the the fact he has worn a protective cup for last 3 years in fear of being kicked in the balls. Or the fact that the one day he decides to throw caution to the wind and doesn't wear it and actually gets kicked in the balls.
Who in tha hell do u hang out with?
Seriously, I am going to crawl in a hole, sew my vagina shut, and spit acid on any man that comes near me.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
Wanna shave the hair on my back? If you're offended I was joking, if not I'll bring booze and maybe you can do other regions too.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
It's only 3 AM. There's still time to get arrested today.
Randomize
