I never want to see another naked old woman again.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
What are you talking about?! I shot gunned a monster while simaltaneously blowing gym boy Todd. If I'm not the poster child for being well rounded and versatile I have no idea what NYU is looking for
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
being sober in physics class makes me realize the regularity with which i show up to it still drunk
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Whenever someone said no you would yell "Die Motherfucker." Kind of like some twisted drinking game.
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
Randomize
