Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
She said she couldnt do it today but shed make it up to me next week
stick it in her butt and if she asks, say that thats what you thought she meant
words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
My joke about liking my coffee like I like my men IS ABOUT TO COME TRUE.
Bro, it was an EPIC night once again last night. I’m so sorry that you saw me naked.
He's UNCIRCUMCISED. And it curves. Two things I've never encountered in all my sluttiness and they're both on the hottest guy alive. :(
Randomize
