my night went downhill once I lost my bikershorts. EAWSSSSYY ACCESS
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
No, i'm not gonna let you give me a footjob on the floor of the cheesecake factory. C'mon.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I just snuked. Sneezed and puked
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
she might purposely get aids just to give it to you. I think she might hate you that much.
Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.
high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Haha I haven't even had my interview yet and I'm already trying to fuck my way to the top. 'Merica.
Yes I did. Thanks. I was actually an hour and half early. I'm better at public transport than I thought. Guy behind me on the bus is also crying. We compared cry-snot. It was nice in a weird sad way.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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