My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i scrubbed and i still was a whore
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.
A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
But we only had three ninja turtles. So everyone that would ask us where Donatello was, we would say "what? He's gone? Shredder is at it again!"
The landlord wasn't even off the porch yet and she was packing a bowl, I can't imagine a better best friend
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Roommate charged out of his room in pajamas yelling "MAKE IT RAIN" and just threw $4,000 in fifties onto my head. My Friday night.
You chose shitty college football over this pussy and my cute little mouth. That's your fault.
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