Bea Arthur died yesterday
You shut your stupid mouth
Betty White is next, I just know it.
Betty White will never die! She's like Dick Clark. Rue McCalahan is next.
Phease come get me i thought i was in a place i don't even understand
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
He wanted a quickie. I said, can I play doodle jump on my iPhone during? And that's exactly how it went.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
i made sure i dropped the whole "im a yoga teacher" bomb which basically roofies a guys sense of judgement and guarantees he will sleep with me.
dude, i think we just came across a situation where tits weren't worth it.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
I told him id do anything with him and he said angry pirate? So I said okay. Never seeing him again.
What's an angry pirate?
You dont want to know. If someone offers say no. Never ever do the angry pirate. Ever.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
GOT MY PERIOD AND AN INTERNSHIP OFFER THIS IS A WONDERFUL DAY
Whatever, you're gonna have to break it to mom that the reason I was so drunk at Christmas dinner is because she wouldn't stop asking me why I don't have a boyfriend
Woke up and took my pants off only to realize that I was wearing my shirt from last night as my underwear
Can we do lunch at 3? I have a blowjob scheduled for 2.
You schedule blowjobs?
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
