the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
traded hat for shot of whiskey. lovah yo life. only ADVENTURE NOW. OH GOD IT WENT TO CAPS LOCK
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
Everyone here knows my boyfriend as "Half Baked". Life, he's doing it right.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
I should be done at 8 and I've also done a great Job of convincing my self that I should get really drunk tonight
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
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