i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body
I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
It's Monday. What a great day to start the weekend on the week of st. Patricks day
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.
I FEEL like I celebrated someone's 21st, but really I just celebrated Tuesday.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead
My one night stand said I love you, opened my fridge, stole my cream cheese and left.
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
only 4 hours until nug lovin time
excuse me?
nug lovin. lovin nugs.
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
Randomize
