watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
God you people are gross. Come collect your unconscious friend.
You can't be mad because the taco bell people like me and not you. I'm not the one that puked in front of them.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
Just finished off half a bottle of vodka. Can't take in anymore liquids so I ate 3 spoonfuls of your powdered gatorade to fight off the hangover. Wish me luck and check me for a pulse when you get in!
The alcohol tastes like we did a beer run at the nail salon
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
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